Unlocking secrets: Why some Muslim men shun marriage with widows, divorcees – Islamic scholar reveals all!
An Islamic scholar and lecturer from the Al-Hikmah University, Ilorin, Kwara State, Nigeria, Dr Sanusi Lafiagi, has given clear insight into why men shun divorcees and widows who are still of prime age for marriage.
According to Dr. Sanusi Lafiagi, a widow with four children confided in him about her disappointments stemming from her failed attempts to get married again.
She faulted Muslim men for their reluctance to enter into polygynous marriages, women who oppose the practice, and religious leaders who overlook the challenges faced by single mothers. Her plight resonates, particularly given her need for emotional and financial support while raising her children amidst economic hardships.
In Islam, marriage serves to protect and provide security for women, highlighting the significance of addressing the welfare of widows and single mothers within the community.
Despite being a civil servant, she struggles to meet the needs of her family without assistance from her late husband’s relatives, the Islamic scholar stressed, adding that ideally, such individuals should receive social security benefits from the Muslim treasury to ensure the well-being of their families.
However, the reluctance of many potential suitors to consider widows and divorcees with children presents a complex issue with various factors at play.
The lecturer of the Department of Islamic Studies of the Ilorin-based institution gave extensive reasons why Muslim men ignore widows and divorcees, which are:
- “Extra financial burden, especially when she has kids. For most prospective dualists, marrying a virgin lady is more suitable for their financial situation given that they are likely to have had kids from their existing marriage. Adding the extra cost of feeding and tuition (where their father abdicates responsibility) could potentially impoverish them.”
- “Emotional attachment to their exes: A lot of women in that situation usually find it difficult to detach themselves from their ex husbands, especially if they are still alive. The fact that issues about the kids would continue to generate discussions between them makes it difficult for them to detach themselves completely from their past.”
- “Senseless comparison: Some women with previous marital experience oftentimes compare their current marriage to their previous one. Some go to the extent of stating it clearly to their new husband that their former husband was better. This, no doubt destroys marital bliss.”
- “Unhealthy jealousy for their kids: Some women would create an unhealthy environment for their new husband by demanding same and equal treatment of their kids. Some will even get to the extent of fighting their new husbands on this issue. While it is noble and rewarding for men to treat their stepchildren like their own, they are not obligated to do so.”
- “Gross ingratitude: While the foundation of marriage is love, one of its basis is also mercy and empathy. For some men, marrying women in such situations is actually more of empathy than affection. It is more of sacrifice than satisfaction of carnal desire. For a man who shows high level of responsibility, being ungrateful both in words and actions is the worst mistake any woman can make. Responsible men love to be appreciated with the same energy as their responsibility or even more.”
“Generally, women in such situations should find time to heal completely through counselling, and find love before seeking a new marriage. They must detach themselves completely from their previous marriage and accept their current reality. If you have not healed and moved on from your previous marriage, do not seek a new one.
“Don’t carry your old scars to your new home. Don’t destroy yourself!”
